As an adult, I am absolutely and utterly precise when it comes to doing my hair. I watch hair tutorials, really enhance, and then fail miserably when trying to recreate the look. I wear my hair down or in a ponytail because these are the only two styles I am fully capable of pulling. Of course, we are talking about 90s hairstyles. Many years ago I had a pretty extensive knowledge of hair finishing (my own and others), when I had endless free time and no kids. That time was the 90s. I was so adept at paralyzing my hair that I spent long nights putting my hair in small braids for a wavy Britney Spears “(You Drive Me) Crazy” look. Messy crunchy bread? Can. Kelly Kapowski blower? Oh, you know that. The 90s was the period when my hair sport shone.
These days, I don’t have much time for anything other than my standard pony. Life with three children under the age of 5 is difficult in many respects, especially: my hair. Although the 90s have long passed us by, I still think that period was the best when it comes to hairstyles and trends. I missed so much in the 90s that, in fact, I was ready to go back to recreate the best look.
I decided to bring 90s hairstyles back to Justin Timberlake glamorous: bold and without shame. I bought a multiback of some tiny little rubber band hair dice and bright hood velvet scrunches, I was ready. For a whole week I went back to my favorite 90s hairstyles, back to my decades (do you get it?), To see how people reacted to the sometimes questionable but always amazing hair game of the best decade.
Day 1: Go big or go home
I decided to simplify my week of 90s haircuts, but with old, but good stuff that is not immediately recognizable, no doubt unkempt hair (i.e., my friends, need some work). I went for the big 90s trumpet worn by icons like the flawless Cindy Crawford or the famous Kelly Kapowski. I was about big hair in the 90s because I have a thick hair and it has some serious size. Also, a hairstyle requires little more than holding your head upside down and spraying a bunch of hairspray on your roots, which is the level of skill I have when it comes to hairstyles.
Truth be told, I felt so much better about myself when I shook this look. During a Skype session with a friend, I was told that I should be in one of those old Herbal Essence ads, which was perfect for the 90s. My husband knew something was different, he wanted it, yet he couldn’t figure it out. Shaking the hairstyle of 90s supermodels is a refreshing break from the dull ponytail I normally wear and I can start trying to bring this hairstyle back with revenge. I was born for 90s blowers.
Day 2: Scrunching Knitting
On the second day, I decided to enter the Velvet Scrunge collection, which is as amazing and nostalgic as I thought every bit. The only thing I really lamented was that I could not find metal leopard print tests, which were obviously the choice I made in the 90s. Oh, the metal leopard print, you were like a shooting star: shining so brightly, it quickly goes into oblivion. I will always miss you.
When I was practicing this hairstyle, I realized in the 90s that I was very talented: braiding hair. Chunky braids, small braids, braid knitting – all of this I was able to do. The full physique and Elsa style braids of today’s tutorials are completely beyond me. Simple braids for life. Again, I do not hate this look. In fact, it brought back fond memories. I think I rock when I want to feel cool but normal while playing the Dream Phone game. Additionally, if it weren’t for the burning blue scrunge, I could have completely mastered it for a normal, functional adult. In fact, I see some girls experimenting at school with kids, so I never leave that place.
But things were about to take a turn for the worse.
Day 3: Disabling
Unfortunately, in the late 2000s I got rid of my hair loss. Let it be at peace, because hell knows that in this day and age no one uses it for its God-given purpose. Hair crimping was cool in the late 90s, I was all over. About Crimping. However, I took some savings to buy myself the hair crimper of my dreams, so in the meantime I was prosperous and left small parts of my hair overnight. Which, of course, made the video an overnight sensation.
When my husband shook our sleeping baby, I sat in front of my glass braided section and part of my hair until each mirror was counted. It’s harder to take this longer than I can remember. How did I spend so much time doing my hair? Have I ever slept with these bad things in my head? Why did I cause so much discomfort to paralyzed hair that was not so pretty?
However, my husband was strangely pleased with my appearance and noted in the morning that “my hair was very brittle”. He wanted to touch it because it was so fluffy that my kids took to doing it too. I felt so different about hanging out with my regular group of friends after school, but they didn’t seem to notice. Or they may have wondered how my hair would look normal, and I spend too much time every day looking at this unmanageable mane normally. Then I came home and realized that it was no longer paralyzed. As soon as I stepped outside it was as flat as possible, so even though I saved some school-free embarrassment,
Day 4: Original messy bread
Messy bread is a kind I get from time to time, perfect, but it never-never seems to be as worthy as every woman who sees a messy loaf of bread. The messy bread era of the 90s is a simpler time than the teasing messy buns of 2016. It was a really messy, glorious mess, one of those cheerful velvet experiments conducted together and, of course, finished with two particles to shape your face.
I found that something was going on between me and this 90s hair test. Some people lament that I was born in the wrong era, but I think I was born in the same place where my youth was shaped by the glory of the 90s 90s hair can only last. I felt that the bun of the 90s should be my everyday look. It is functional. This is awesome. It makes me feel like a troubled Cher Horowitz. What is not to love?
Day 5: Weaving
there was only one 90s style that I would like to bring back, it might have been the weird hair-weaving trend I loved the most during my teenage summer camp years. Divide your hair into small rubber bands and then split these pieces together until the glory of the 90s of this woven drawing is on top of your dome? It is complete. I was so good.
The fact that I have not been in practice for the last two decades has made me a little rusty. I was severely disappointed with how messy my woven hair was, and also was a little concerned about how emotionally invested I was in this particular hairstyle. I felt incredibly self-conscious when I went out in public play. Considering the weird look I got at the grocery store, maybe this trend is dead for a reason. Or maybe they were all just looking at how majestic I looked. Want to know who I am?
Day 6: 90s Power Pony
On the sixth day I decided to go for the very traditional 90s big scruffy hairstyle. I went super high, cheerleader-style pony. Until someone comments, I feel good about my appearance. Another mom mentioned that my hair was “beautiful” which was an innocent enough comment, but it reminded me of my hairstyle in general for the first time.
Wearing a bright pink scrunge is one thing to forget that it exists, but when someone in a group notices it, you suddenly become a scrunchy mom. I was embarrassed. In addition, I don’t know if she appreciates me or if I make my hair very rarely that even a small change like a ponytail is a big improvement. Also, I don’t know what “good” means in the mother-sphere. Is it getting old for me? The smart ones? Did this make me so funny and fun? Is this what I crave in my teenage glory days?
Day 7: A different type
Remember you had a pixie cut, but did you like a fancy punk-rock update from time to time? That’s where Gwen Stefani went to her famous knot hairstyle in her famous 90s no doubt years. Sure, long haired women were sporty in this style too, but instead of tying your hair into knots, you twisted it until you had weird, mangle, robe knots on your head. Your parents didn’t want you to go to that punk rock concert, or you just wanted to feel like the ultimate mall rat.
But for me, in 2016, that was a mistake. This is the biggest mistake. I knew it as soon as I started, but still continued. Then I went out into the world of God, like a complete psychopath. My kids kept asking me why I was so different. I went to a hipster grocery store where I thought I could hide my difference, but even there I was constantly staring. “Who cares how I should wear my hair?” One part wanted to say that, and then another part of me caught a glimpse of me in the freezer aisle, and I realized that staring was the most polite and safe way. I quickly finished my shopping and
Is 90s Hair as Famous as I Remember?
Although I have a little more preference on some big, easy 90s hairstyles, I was happy to relax them over the weekend. I was ready for my hair to be natural and the new millennium-recognized, not attracting attention with brightly colored scrunches or hairstyles that resemble the refresh that my kids give me while playing in the salon.
Those little itty-bitty hairpins? They can go to hell, where they belong. I firmly believe that I have some bald patches from how much those things tore my hair. RIP 90s Hair – Really and Symbolically.